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Alastair Jackson Joiner - Summer
Summer is with us once more. You can always tell when it’s summer because the rain is just that wee bit warmer. And there are more insects. Especially the annoying kind. And just about everyone has one insect in particular for which they have an utter loathing. For some it’s spiders. For others it’s cockroaches. For me it’s wasps. I can’t begin to describe just how much I detest them. I mean, what’s the point in wasps? What beneficial contribution do they make? None. What’s their purpose on this planet? None, as far as I can tell. And, joy of joys, in just a few short weeks they’ll have grown to full size and be buzzing about right in your face. They seem to leave some people alone, but not me. Oh no. They like me. They think I’m strawberry flavoured. They group together and dive-bomb around me like they know they’re driving me nuts and it gives them some sort of perverse pleasure. I’m reliably informed that what I should do is stand perfectly still and they’ll leave me alone. Yeah, right! You might as well ask me to explain the theory of quantum physics…I can’t do it. Simple as that. So what I inevitably end up doing is swinging my arms around like some kind of demented human helicopter in a pathetic attempt to bat them off which only succeeds in making things worse. Because now they’re no longer content just being my personal satellite. Now they want to sting me. Like it’s me thats upset them. Oh, how I loathe them. I remember vividly a couple of years ago, I was pulling down a ceiling of a renovation job, when a wasps nest the size of a football (I kid you not) fell and landed on top of me. Fortunately, the nest was empty but I couldn’t know that and my underwear immediately resembled the starting line at Brands Hatch.
Now, I realise that my writing within these pages is supposed to make you want to utilise my services as a joiner and on the face of it so far, I’m miles off topic. Well, here comes the selly bit that’ll help make sense of it all. Due to my wasp aversion I can’t open any windows when they’re likely to be around. This coincides nicely with the warmest part of summer which is exactly the time when I’d like to have them open. It’s a catch 22 can’t win situation. Or at least, it used to be. Because now you can get new double glazing which not only helps to keep retain heat in winter but also helps to keep the heat out in summer. People always seem surprised to learn that I can supply and fit high quality new double glazed windows and doors. “Oh, do you do that too?” they’ll ask. “Yes”, I’ll reply. “I can offer you a large choice of styles and complete service for a very reasonable price.” “That’s all fine and well” they’ll probe, “but do you offer first class workmanship, honesty and reliability?” “Absolutely,” I’ll come back. “And, what’s more, all my windows and doors come with a 10 year guarantee to give you complete peace of mind”.
Feel free to call whatever job you need done, large or small. If its joinery, I can do it. If it’s not something that I can help you with then I’ll put you on to someone who can.
And finally, I promised talented Carrigans barmaid Fiona and all other staff a mention. If you’ve never been there for a meal you don’t know what you’re missing. Try it some time. If this doesn’t get me a free pint then I don’t know what will. And crisps.
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Letting Agent
L A N D L O R D S -
NO MARKETING FEE
Full Management Service
Only £49 + vat per month
|